I want a god damn ice cream sandwich.

I barely ate anything today. And when I say I barely ate anything, what I mean is that I ate a lot of crap that's good for me, but that I don't really like...like lettuce. Mmm...lettuce.

So, this is pretty disturbing: my mom keeps talking about how she heard on 60 minutes that people who live in Denmark are the happiest people on Earth. It's not because they have low taxes, either. I think she said they give up something like 50% of their income to taxes! BUT education and heath care are free. That's not the disturbing part, though. The disturbing part is that I repeated this little tidbit to a younger friend of mine (still in high school), to which the friend replied: "Is Denmark in the U.S.?" Oh...my.

I tried watching that show Quarterlife tonight. My mom taped it. We only started watching it because our recording of American Idol was starting to catch up to the live show (you know how you record something, then start watching it before it's done recording?). I watched twenty minutes of it before suggesting that we return to Idol. She was annoyed by that. I said: "I'm not impressed." She said: "Well I guess I'm just not as picky as you." And I said: "I just don't want to waste my life watching shows that suck." And it's true, I don't. Quarterlife is unrealistic. I'm actually in that stage of life and I don't identify with the show or its characters at all. It's a bad chick lit novel in motion--the brooding, politically aware, self-loathing writer who works at the teeny-bopper magazine and whose perky blonde boss steals her brilliant ideas...the gorgeous wannabe actress who masks her insecurity with booze and boys...the girl who loves her boyfriend more than he loves her...the guy who pines for his best friend's girlfriend. Ugh. At least The O.C. didn't take itself so seriously.

One of these days I'm going to stop watching trashy TV...but not today!

A few nights ago on Big Brother After Dark, the kids got a margarita party, and you know what that spells: T-R-O-U-B-L-E. Actually, watching BBAD has been way more entertaining and enlightening than watching the CBS version of the show. So all the kids got drunk. James and Natalie got naked...again. James has quite the large penis, by the way, and Natalie has one of the nicest boob jobs I've ever seen. Anyway, they all got drunk and jumped in the pool and then they all started making out with each other. It looked like quite a lot of fun. James appears to be the best kisser, which is fitting considering he was already my favorite house guest. Bicycling cross country for a year? Sweet looking Mohawk? A tattoo of Brawny paper towels on your chest? Um...you're the greatest, James. While they were all drunk and making out with each other, Natalie kept shouting, "I just wanna live!!" So do I, Natalie. So do I.

Tonight, American Idol boys' night was slightly better than last week. I predict that Luke what's-his-name who sang "Killer Queen" will go home and the dude with the weirdo streak of blond in his bangs who sang the Doobie Brothers will go home. I'm still enamored of the hot Aussie, and crossword-puzzle loving David Cook also won me over tonight, even though he kinda looks like he has Downs Syndrome. I too, David, am a word nerd. Rock on!

Neil Young is my hero.

I think I need to detox from both TV and the internet. Last night I was putting away groceries and instead of turning on the TV for background noise, I put on one of my Neil Young records. It was so much better than listening to some Access Hollywood bullshit about how Britney Spears is probably going to die soon. I mean, I love TV. Don't get me wrong. But I need to stop watching useless crap. I should watch more scripted TV. I Netflixed the first two seasons of The Closer, and I love it! I highly recommend it. The show is a bit of a slow burn, though. Give it some time, allow the characters to grow on you, and you'll be hooked, I promise! It's harder to stop myself from going on the internet, though, especially iTunes. I heart iTunes. I've always been a fan of audiobooks and iTunes has a huge selection for not that much money! I also heart the iTunes essentials sections where you can get all the "essential" tracks for pretty much every musician ever. It's a great way to familiarize yourself with artists you haven't listened to before, and also a great way to rediscover old favorites. For instance, I'm a huge Otis Redding fan, and last night I learned that he died in a plane crash when he was only 26! He started recording at 21, which means that in just 5 years, he made so so so so much incredible music! I can only imagine how much more he would've contributed to music had he lived even a few years longer. Anyway... I just got back from my kickboxing class. Fuck you, side raises. You're out of the will.

What is this Oregon...?

I promise to stop writing about Big Brother After Dark very soon, but I just have to say something. The other night, one of the people on there (this girl named Amanda) was talking about Oregon. She said, "I have never met anyone from Oregon! I didn't even know people even lived in Oregon!" Then later this guy Matt was giving the girl from Oregon (Natalie) a massage. He was talking about how he wishes there was a "healthy" fast food place. This was in response to Natalie saying that it was her lifelong dream to produce and market her own brand of protein shakes. He was really enthusiastic about that idea. Anyway, he was saying, "you know, you're driving on the highway--oh wait, do they have highways where you live?" Um...what the fuck? It's Oregon, not Jupiter! What the hell is wrong with these people?

The distant future, the year 2000.

So last night I taped the Big Brother: After Dark 3 hour block on Showtime (it airs from midnight to 3 am, but California time that's 9 pm to midnight, so it's not like all they're doing is sleeping). Then I woke up at about 4 am and I couldn't get back to sleep so I decided to watch some of it. It's crazy! I have the total inside scoop now. Since the evictions are live, I'm able to see things as they happen in real time versus the juicy bits they edit and put on the show. Like, on last nights CBS televised episode, they evicted Sharon and Jacob. But on the After Dark episode, Sharon was there!! I was like...huh? What's going on here? Then I realized she must've been allowed back into the house for some reason. I think one of the other players decided to leave for personal reasons, so the producers let Sharon come back. Anyway...other than some extra dirt like that, it's mostly just watching people be catty and talk gameplay endlessly and eat dinner and burp and swear and stuff. Another interesting thing, though, is that they'll start talking about stuff like, "well in the paperwork we got...in our reading materials...and oh, they're already casting for BB10...and oh, this is going to be a short season, that's why they're having us be in pairs.." and all this stuff, so it's kind of like getting a peek at what it would actually be like to be on a reality show. Plus I never realized how often the Big Brother guy comes over the loudspeakers and demands that the house guests do things. He'll come on and be like, "Sharon and Parker: please do not obstruct your microphone" or "Ryan: please report to the diary room." It's super fun! But anyway, I guess people who don't watch Big Brother were probably super bored by all that, so I'll move on.

Last night I was going through my old emails. I've had a yahoo account since about junior year of high school, and I still have every email (just about, anyway) I've ever received or sent since 1998! Sometimes it's fun to go back and read them. So, I know you all know how much I adore food, but just to reiterate that again, here are excerpts from an email I sent in September of 2000 (also known as my first semester at WMU):

"Well today is the first day I ever really
went food shopping for myself. When you think about
it, it's like in high school, sure, you go to Miejers
to buy pop or chips or (in my case) frozen coke and
ice cream. Or, you go to get food to make yourself
dinner, but you never really go to shop for yourself
for the week or the month, etc. Maybe you go for your
parents, but then it's their money and afterall you
don't really care what you get since it's their money
you're spending in the first place. So today I went
shopping and I put myself on a budget of $20. I had
to look at prices and take advantage of deals and
stuff like that. And I'm not really sure if I did a
good job or a bad job. For $18.25 I got: one bag of
sour cream and onion tato skins, 4 cans of spaghettios
with meatballs, 4 boxes of lipton's extra noodle soup,
1 extra large white ceramic bowl, 2 packages of thorn
apple valley sausages, 1 two liter bottle of lipton
brisk raspberry iced tea, and a six pack of halloween
festivity doughnuts. Does it sound like I did a good
job to you??

And, I ate in the cafeteria today. I couldn't decide
between the deli sandwich and the jumbo hotdog. Well,
which one do you think I picked? The hotdog!!
Nope--actually I went with the deli sandwich. That's
because the deli sandwich is easy to smuggle out and
the hotdog is not. I would actually have much rather
had the hotdog. I am going to go down there for
dinner too. I love the frozen yogurt down there!!!"

I had such good eating habits back then.... Anyway, that's all for now. Today is my Dad's birthday, so I have to go buy him a donut.

I finally have Showtime so I can watch Big Brother: After Dark!

I just watched episode 1 of Big Brother 9, the winter edition! I think the soul mate twist is interesting. I wonder if any of the couples will actually hook up. Someone's getting voted off tonight and I for one hope it's the older lady. I can't remember her name, but she's a psycho bitch. Even if you don't think your partner is that cute, you don't have to be that vocal about it. And just because you're paired up with him doesn't mean you have to have sex with him...freak! Also, I wanted to let everyone know (in case you hadn't heard) that they're going to start airing my absolute favorite show ever, Dexter, on CBS beginning this Sunday night. I can't promise it's going to be as good as the episodes that air on Showtime (it'll be cleaner, that's for sure. But I like it dirty!), but I still think you should watch if you don't have Showtime. It's the best show I've ever seen. I swear. Also...something a little sad. Tomorrow night on Survivor, apparently Ozzy and Amanda are going to hook up. What the shit? I want Ozzy to be my boyfriend. I don't want to see him tonguing Amanda. There's no need for that. Get your head in the game, Ozzy. Making out with Amanda/allowing Amanda to give you oral sex isn't going to make you a faster swimmer or better at slaughtering wild boars! Unless she's got a hidden immunity idol up her snatch, stay away! In happier news, the writers strike is finally over!! Maybe this means How I Met Your Mother and all my other favorites will come back. I sincerely hope it means that we won't have to be subjected to two months of Farmer Wants a Wife. One more thing: American Idol. I'm going on record as saying that I love Josiah and the hot Aussie who sang Queen and Otis Redding! Can you say soul mate?

R.I.P. Roy Scheider

I've just been feeling kinda sad all day, and I think I figured out why. I went online earlier and discovered (to my dismay) that Roy Scheider recently died. If you know me, you know that I am a huge Jaws fan. The fact that Mr. Scheider is no longer with us makes me feel like a little bit of myself has died. So rest in piece, Roy Scheider. I love you and you are badass.

Supermarket Sweep me off my feet!

So, I'm back in lovely Lapeer after a weekend of fun in Chicago. Kate and Jon adopted a gorgeous feline from Paws: Chicago. He's got kitty AIDS and a bum leg. He's a hot mess by the name of Tommy Lee Jones. Meeting him was one of the many highlights of a great weekend. Other highlights: chillin with Kate and watching copious episodes of True Life (one of my favorite guilty pleasures), seeing three movies in three days, eating delicious Greek food at a very warm and inviting Andersonville restaurant, watching clips from the Jiminy Glick show at four in the morning, and listening to Josh tell (forcefully) about the time he screamed at a customer because she wondered what happened to Yoplait Whips. "Got a BLENDER?" he said he screamed at her. "Put regular yogurt in the BLENDER and then it'll be WHIPPED, you dumb whore, you fat slut!" Josh is so tactful. Anyway, I had a great time. I didn't even stress out that much about parking. Ok, well, a little I did. There's not much more I can think to say right now, except for that the past few days I've been thinking a lot about that old game show, "Supermarket Sweep." Remember? There'd be three couples and they'd have to answer grocery-related questions and then at the end, the couple with the most points would get the chance to do the supermarket sweep. They'd have three minutes or so to retrieve the products hinted at by three clues. Every time I'm in the grocery store, I think how hard it would be to find an item hinted at by a clue. It's hard for me to find things at Meijer even when I know what I'm looking for. And that's a grocery store that I'm very familiar with. The Supermarket Sweep grocery store probably isn't even a real grocery store, and even if it is, it's certainly not the contestants' usual grocery store. That makes it even harder!! You know how when you walk into a Target that isn't the Target you normally go into, you feel at home and shell-shocked all at once? And people always seem to need to make comments about how weird it is that the shampoo at this Target is in a totally different place! It's like, we can't wrap our heads around it. Anyway, whenever I'm doing some kind of workout maneuver (like the plank position, where you're holding yourself up sort of in a push-up position and working your abs) I start thinking how thirty seconds feels like forever when I'm working out, but it would go by lickity-split if I were on Supermarket Sweep. Also, thinking about Supermarket Sweep makes me remember just how expensive sides of beef really are. They're expensive. But they're also heavy. You know what's expensive and not that heavy? Batteries. That's all I'm gonna say.

Love you guys.