In the midst of a deep homosexual panic

Hello all! I am sorry I'm such a loser and haven't posted anything in so long. I think it's because I have incredibly low self esteem. I can barely look at myself in the mirror (ugly! ugly!), let alone write about myself on my blog. Oh, what the hay, here goes:

I'm three weeks into my Chemistry class and it is murder. Electron configurations and covalent bonds, be damned! Being back in college is strange. It doesn't feel as important as it used to. College (the first time around) felt incredibly important, like the only thing in my world that mattered was getting an A in Fiction & Poetry class and making sure my teachers all loved and admired me and basked in the glory that was me. After having spent a few years in the dark and dirty "real world," I don't think so highly of myself anymore. I know that I am trash, and I own it. Now Chemistry class feels like an afterthought. It's as though I am a character in a play--pretending, going through the motions. I am a ventriloquist's dummy, wooden and empty inside.

So, David Cook won American Idol!!!! I am so pleased. He is possibly the most adorable and perfect creature ever to grace God's green earth. Bless you, D.C. You are my dark lord.

I just watched the "Real Housewives of New York City: Reunion Show" today. I know, I am little bit behind the times. But I've gotta say, those ladies sure do know how to throw down. I can't help it. They're all power-hungry, petty bitches, but I love 'em.

The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master

So, I started school and I haven't gotten shot yet--praise Jesus. But I did pick out the safest spot to sit in my classroom just in case a shooter does come busting through the door one day. This is going to sound silly, but today I found myself staring fearfully at this mildly-retarded boy who was walking through the student center. It was just, he hand his hand under his coat in a very menacing way.

The best thing about going back to school is the commute. No really, it is. Because I don't have to go on any major highways (which means I get to look at a shit load of Applebee's restaurants and Home Depot stores and huge suburban homes in which live families much wealthier (but probably not much happier...ok, probably happier) than mine, all of which make me smile from within) and while I'm driving I get to catch up on Podcasts! My favorite Podcast, I think, is the Barnes and Noble Meet the Writers Podcast, hosted by Steve Bertrand. I'm pretty sure they record the Podcast in Chicago, because Steven Bertrand is always saying things like, "Well, here in Chicago..." That makes me think that maybe I know Steve Bertrand because I used to work at B&N's flagship store in Chicago and one of my manager's names was Steve!! But their voices don't really match. Plus, they probably got someone flashier than my manager to do the Podcast, although Steve was always very nice and his khaki slacks were always pressed neatly. Anyway, it's a good podcast...only about 10-15 minutes long, but it updates regularly and Steve Bertrand interviews all sorts of different writers. Their stories are amazing and often pretty inspiring. It might not be that interesting to someone who's not an aspiring writer, but even if you're just a book lover, you should give it a listen. Here's a link to a couple of fun ones I just listened to:

Click here and you can listen to the podcast at your computer, or you can go to iTunes and search for Barnes and Noble Meet the Writers Podcast and subscribe! I recommend listening to the Martha Beck, Debbie Macomber, and Karen Joy Fowler casts! These are the ones I listened to on the drive home today.

School, and other things I'm afraid of.

So tomorrow I go back to college. I've got a bunch of sharpened number two pencils, a Chemistry book that only cost me $120 (what a steal!), and of course a shiny red apple for my teacher. I've gotta be honest though, I'm worried about school shootings. In fact, they just found some threatening graffiti at Oakland University, which is the school I'll be attending. So, I might end up dying soon, which means that I wouldn't be able to post anymore blogs...but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. A few weeks ago, an episode of "Medium" featured people taking a Tylenol-esque drug and promptly dying. So now I'm afraid to take medicine. I've also been watching a lot of that Oxygen Network documentary-style series "Snapped," which features stories about women who killed their husbands A. in a fit of rage B. for insurance money, or C. because "he totally deserved it." So now I'm afraid to get married. All the episodes have narration that goes something like this: "Tandi thought Bill was the perfect man, but it wasn't until after they got married that she learned he had a dark side. Yes, one dark and dank afternoon Tandi wandered into Bill's basement workshop (even though he told her never to go in there!) and found something sinister...oh so very sinister." They don't tell you what the sinister thing she found was until after the commercial break. Even though the show scares me, it also makes me feel good because it makes me realize that no one is who you think they are, and in a way that's kind of comforting because usually I walk around thinking that everyone is a lot more together than I am. I guess if the worst thing I do is hide bags of Tostitos bite-size gold tortilla chips in my closet and eat them while watching back episodes of VH1's Miss Rap Supreme, then that's not so bad. Hey, I'm only human. Anyway, the list of things I'm scared of goes on and on--the shifty guy who stands in front of the hot nut stand at the mall and acts as if he's about to open his flannel shirt-coat and reveal a bomb strapped to his chest, undercooked meat, the fact that if I accidentally let go of my dog's leash he might catch up to the people walking in front of me and eat their Chihuahua, marionettes, and more. Cat Stevens says "Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there." He's probably right, but then again...I'm a little afraid of Cat Stevens.