One of the things I found appealing about becoming a nurse was the idea that I'd have an atypical work schedule. You see, a full-time nurse usually only works 3 days a week, which leaves 4 days to play around with. I thought,
Oh HELL YES! I will learn to ski. I will learn to cook soup. I will climb K2. I will marry a man, have a baby, and teach it to read with flashcards. But yeah, I haven't done any of that. I have mostly gone to the movies by myself on random week days, spent hours upon hours watching myself cry in the mirror because my life is in shambles, taken my dog for walks, and driven around aimlessly in my car listening to Dr. Laura, wondering every minute that I'm listening to her why I'm not turning it off.
There is a lot wrong with my life right now. First of all, I spend way too much time at Wal-Mart. But it's my third place to go!! See, I read once that everyone needs a third place to go. You know--work, home, and...a third place. For some people, that third place is the gym. For other people, the third place is Starbucks. For me, the third place is Wal-Mart. I go there and walk around aimlessly, looking at picture frames and vacuums, bedspreads and Nutella. I convince myself that I really, really need a new tape dispenser. I talk myself into buying the clothes they sell there, low cut jeans and sparkly tank tops with words like 'Princess' and 'All That' written on them, that make me look like an aging hood rat. I have a closet full of acid wash and a jewelry box full of hoop earrings that won't come in handy unless I join a street gang.
Another thing that's wrong with my life...chicken nuggets and cheeseburgers have far too much power over me. Hey, did you know that nuggets and burgers actually have chemicals in them that, like,
train you to want more and more? Well, I didn't. I didn't know that because I don't have time to read magazine articles and books. I'm too busy eating my weight in nuggets, then waiting an hour, then eating more nuggets, then waiting an hour, then eating two cheeseburgers, then going to Wal-Mart. All that eating and shopping doesn't leave a whole lot of time for expanding my mind. And it
doesn't leave a whole lot of time for starting a Precious Moments collection, which is something I have always longed to do. I am in a prison, and my prison bars are made of meat n' cheese. If only I could eat my way out...but I can't because I keep
buying more prison bars because
apparently nuggets and burgers are as addictive as black tar heroin.
I like being a nurse, but all this time off and all this MONEY is killing me. A few weeks ago, my friend Angie told me that a motivational speaker came in to her work, and he talked all about "toxic knots"--the things in your life that keep you from being happy, basically. You have to learn how to untie the knots in order to self-actualize (achieve your full potential). "Can't I just
cut the knots off and then use a glue-gun to put my rope back together?" I asked her, as we sat in a crowded bar on a busy Friday night. She took a sip of her drink and rolled her eyes at me. "No, you asshole!" she said. "You have to untie the knots yourself. You learn about yourself in the process of untying the knots." I could tell she had really drunk the Kool-Aid this time. I asked her what her toxic knots were, but I don't remember what she said because as she was talking, the whole room faded into a blur as I began to think about myself and what my toxic knots are. I couldn't even hear Angie talking anymore because I was so lost in thought about
me and
my problems.
I'll tell you what the mother of all my toxic knots is--Fear. Fear controls me more than cheeseburgers do, which is to say--I am Fear's bitch. If Fear asked me to do her laundry or be her wedding photographer, I'd have to do it, because Fear is my master. Is it just me or is 'Fear' starting to sound like a really cute name for a baby girl?
The list of things I am afraid of is endless--death, flying, public speaking, roller coasters, mold, really big grasshoppers, white sheets on clotheslines, Karl Malden. I am even afraid to swim in the pool at my gym--mostly because I don't want the lifeguard to judge me. So how the hell am I going to untie my biggest, toughest toxic knot? Well, I've come up with a strict set of rules...because I believe that any successful life change begins and ends with an
incredibly rigid set of rules.
Rule 1: Only eat fruits and vegetables from now on! I'm pretty sure I
totally have the self control to pull this off.
Rule 2: Write for two hours a day, and read for one hour a day. (I'll confess that I actually came up with these rules a few weeks ago and this is the first writing I have done... Shame! Shame spiral!)
Rule 3: Do not go to Wal-Mart. (I have literally been to Wal-Mart every day since I made up these rules)
Rule 4: Try to fit as many viewings of Air Bud: Golden Receiver as possible into each week. That movie completes me.
Oh damn it, who am I kidding? These rules are for the birds. All I know is, I am at a crossroads. In the immortal words of Tony from West Side Story, something's coming. I just hope it's not more stubborn belly fat. I'll keep you posted on my endeavors to become a better person. Please wish me luck...and if you get a second, would ya swing by McDonald's and pick me up a sack of burgers?? Thanks, that'd be great.
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