This happens to me all the time.

I'm minding my own business, happily going about my day, and hoping for the best. I drive to my favorite gas station, the one I always stop at on the way home from school. It's a Meijer gas station--well-lit and big enough that I don't feel like I'm on display. Their candy isn't stale (stale candy is the worst!) and they don't have too much merchandise, so that it's overflowing and falling into the aisles. I hate that. And they're always getting new things, like Bagelfuls. I never buy the Bagelfuls, but I like that this particular Meijer gas station moves with the times. As a rule, I try not to use the bathroom, but today I had to. It's a nice, private single bathroom with a working lock that is usually very clean and airy. I went to open the door...LOCKED. God damn it, someone's in there!! Why the FUCK does this always happen to ME?! That's what I was thinking. Then I said to myself (in my head), "Calm down, Liz. It's probably just some very well put-together soccer mom who is reapplying her lip-gloss and will be out in a hop, skip, and a jump." Do that in your CAR you ignorant BITCH! I shook off all my angry feelings and busied myself looking at the road maps of Michigan. It's funny how if you look at something like that long enough, you'll start to think, you know, I really need a Michigan road map. I can't believe I've gotten along all these years without a Michigan road map. I've been looking at the road maps for quite some time and I start to think, what the hell is going on in there? I think, any minute now I'll hear the toilet flush. And I did start to hear noises, but not good noises. Whoever was in there must have been attempting to rip the toilet out of the floor while hacking up a lung, spitting, burping, yawning and slamming a fist onto the paper towel dispenser. After I finally heard the toilet flush, a behemoth man-beast emerged from the bathroom, clad in a stretched-out gray tank top and tight fitting black jeans and a skull cap. He smiled at me. One tooth.