Just take a deep breath

Sometimes when I act like a brat or a jerk, I have this thought: someday, this person (that I'm being a jerk to, or acting like a brat around) is going to be dead or they're going to have cancer or have something terrible happen to them and I will be sorry I was such a jerk. It makes me feel guilty--for being a jerk, for thinking about them dying, for failing at my daily resolution to be a better person--but it doesn't make me stop. Why? Why can't I stop having opinions about things, or why can't I keep my opinions to myself? Why, when someone is gushing about a movie we just saw do I have to rain on their parade by saying, "yeah, it was alright"? All I know is that I probably shouldn't be allowed out of the house on Sundays. And I probably should not go to packed movies, where some stranger sits right next to me when there are clearly other seats available. And I probably should not be forced to listen to said stranger talking loudly and saying "awww...oh no!" every time the kid on screen gets electrocuted or beaten up. I probably should not put myself in situations like these, because inevitably I wind up walking through a dirty parking lot at dusk in the middle of winter, watching the sun set over Steak n' Shake and thinking about the little girl I saw in the mall, the lost little girl with no shoes on and a face red from crying and the frantic lady in scrubs trying to help her find her mommy. And for some reason, I feel pretty sad, but instead of just being sad, or just keeping my mouth shut, which is what I ought to do, I'm just a jerk. And then I think: someday the person I'm being a jerk to is going to die and I'm going to regret my bad behavior. And then I feel guilty.