Things That Totally Fucked Up My Life in 2010

Welcome to my first post of 2011. In this post, instead of looking ahead to all the wonderful things that might happen this year, I have decided to look back on all the terrible things that happened last year. I have composed a list of the top ten WORST things that happened to me in 2010, otherwise known as things that totally fucked up my life.

In order from least-worst to knockwurst (most-worst), here goes:

10. I was still fat...ALL YEAR. Being fat is the pits. Every morning I woke up with new determination to eat right and exercise, and every single day I failed. It doesn't feel good to fail miserably at the one thing you know would improve your life and your health 100%, but you know what else doesn't feel good? NOT eating a fistful of Cadbury Creme Eggs. The bottom line is, I DO WHAT I WANT.

9. I Looked For AND FOUND Disturbing Images of Grown-Up Devon Sawa. That's right, you heard me. The cherubic boy who starred in 'Casper' and 'Now and Then' has morphed into a crag-faced husk of his former self. He now calls the CW home, as he has a recurring role on the 2010 series Nikita. I don't know, it's just so sad to watch his life spin out of control.

8. I Saw a Seal Swimming Next To a Rusted-Out Grocery Cart at the Bottom of the Ocean. You always think it's going to be a good time watching those Disney Nature movies. I really like oceans, so I went to see Disney Nature's 'Oceans.' I thought I'd see a beautiful baby dolphin bonding with it's mother in the warm waters off of Maui. But no. What did I see? Besides a shit-ton of boring-ass crab footage, I saw baby turtles get eaten by sea birds and a seal swimming next to a rusted-out grocery cart. Plus, Pierce Brosnan wasted NO opportunity to remind me about the rivers of pollution currently flowing into our oceans. Apparently Pierce Brosnan is Disney Nature's new ambassador of fear. He won't let me rest until I face the harsh reality that the waters that sustain life on Earth are dying. Oh yeah, and the polar ice caps are melting. There is no hope.**

7. Nursing School Gave Me the Trots. Nursing school was exciting, but nerve-racking! It's kind of like when you're really nervous to go on a giant roller coaster because there's a chance you could die, but you still want to go on it because how great will it feel if you don't die? Unfortunately, bravery often comes at a physical cost. I had the trots for most of 2010.

6. My Favorite Dumpster Kitten, Little Gray, was Killed in a Hit and Run. I know what you're thinking: What the FUCK are dumpster kittens? Well, even though it's ridiculously obvious, I'll tell you. They are kittens that live in, on, beneath, and/or in the vicinity of a dumpster. My parents have a couple of dumpsters and this year we got kittens! Kittens!! So much joy. There were four beautiful kittens, three that looked like the cat from Stephen King's 'Cat's Eye,' and one that looked like Nermal from Garfield. I named the one that looked like Nermal "Little Gray" because he was little and gray. It's not rocket science. He was the pudgiest and the friendliest of the kittens. I started feeding them and he was the only one that would almost let me pet him. Not quite, but almost. I could tell he wanted to let me pet him, but he was probably afraid that if he let me pet him, I would go one step further and grab him, take him home, give him a bath, then put him on my bed and cover him with a heavy blanket and watch him try to squirm his way out. He's right, that's what I would've done. Anyway, one day I came home from one of my nursing school clinicals (a long 12+ hour day of patient care) and my mom, who was standing over the stove, cooking a frittata (I'll get into why that only made things worse later), said, "I have some bad news." I immediately thought that my cat that actually lives with me and sleeps in my bed, Jack, was dead. Or that Kevin Spacey had died. But then she said, "Little Gray died. Your dad found his lifeless body by the side of the road." So much anguish.

5. I Sat Through A Lot of Awful, Awful Movies--Without Popcorn! My dad and I go see a lot of movies together, which is great because it's nice to have some father-daughter bonding time. Plus, he pays. But he doesn't like to get popcorn (because it bloats him and gets stuck in his teeth) and he's willing to see crap movies that I don't have the heart to say no to. I guess I'd rather see a shitty movie than sit home by myself thinking about how pathetic I am and slowly consuming a mini-mountain of Chili Cheese Fritos, but still... One of the dumbest things about going to the movies with my dad is that he almost always falls asleep immediately. Sometimes I wake him up to complain about loud kids in the theater. Here's how that conversation goes--Me: "GrrrrrrrRRRR." My dad: "What?" Me: "Why are they LAUGHING so loud and repeating the most mundane dialogue?" My dad: "I don't even hear anything." Me: "How do you NOT hear that? It's like they're watching this in their own basement. It's like we snuck into someone's birthday party!" By that time, my dad has usually fallen back asleep. But I digress. Here is a list of just five (believe me, there are more) of the worst movies I sat through WITHOUT POPCORN in 2010: Edge of Darkness, Faster (Starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson), Grown Ups, Skyline, and My Soul to Take. You're welcome, Box Office.

4. I Didn't Travel...Not Even in my Dreams. It's nice that I still have enough hope to purchase books like this one when I'm browsing around Barnes and Noble: The Rough Guide to the USA (Rough Guides). I think to myself, maybe I'll go to Yosemite National Park or Mt. Rushmore, or HEY--maybe I'll go to Anderson, Indiana (home of Teen Mom star (and train wreck) Amber Portwood. But, let's face it. I'm basically a shut-in. I might as well start collecting garbage and tie myself to my bed. I mean, how pathetic is it that I couldn't even manage to take 9 days off to travel to Anderson, Indiana, search around the local pizza huts, jails, roller rinks, and bad neighborhoods for Amber Portwood, then follow her to her house and stake it out hoping to witness her throwing a TV down the stairs or drinking a big gulp while wearing short-shorts and setting fire to a mattress??

3. Centipede Bugs Defied Extinction. I love animals and (some) bugs. But I hate centipede bugs with every fiber of my being, and when I see one, I stalk it with intent to kill and I don't rest until I've flushed it's lifeless body down the toilet. 2010 was not without centipede bugs, which totally fucked up my life. One morning, I was up at 4 am, getting ready to go to clinicals for nursing school. I was sleepy, and I was brushing my teeth. I had my eyes closed and I was leaning over the sink, and what did I see crawling out of the drain when I opened my eyes? A giant centipede bug!! I proceeded to drown it, and when I was sure it was dead, I vomited into my hand and then went about the rest of my day.

2. I Almost Dropped My Wallet Into a Carp and Turtle Pond. Even though I didn't travel out of state in 2010, my friend Lansy and I did explore Michigan. One of the places we went was the Wilderness Trails Zoo, near Frankenmuth (a.k.a. Michigan's little Bavaria). The Wilderness Trails Zoo is kind of unique because you can get up close to a lot of big animals. They don't have any of those pesky big ravines between you and the animals like other zoos do. They just have a couple of chain-link fences between you and a lion, or between you and a grizzly bear. So what if it's a little less safe? It makes for a lot of great photo ops! So what if the closer you get the easier it is to tell how sad the animals are? Photo ops! But I digress. One of the main attractions at Wilderness Trails Zoo is that you can actually feed many of the animals!! For example, to feed a bear, you pay a quarter and get a sourball, then you put the sourball in a long plastic tube that runs through the two chain link fences that separate you from the bear, then the sourball lands in the bear enclosure and the bear runs over and eats it!! Huzzah! They also have a carp and turtle pond, where you can pay a quarter and get a handful of food pellets, which you can then throw to the fish and turtles and watch them gobble it up. There are so many carp/catfish-looking fish and turtles (and some bad-ass swans) that it's actually kind of disgusting to watch them eat. I kept waiting for one of them to spit out a human eyeball. It was my last handful of food pellets and we were going to leave the zoo as soon as we were done feeding the fish and turtles, so I was trying to make this last throw very dramatic. I forgot that I had my wallet sitting on the railing of the little platform we were standing on. When I (very forcefully) threw my last handful of food pellets into the fish and turtle pond, I knocked my wallet off the railing!!! Luckily, it landed at my feet and not in the water. You may be thinking, her wallet didn't fall in the water, so why is this on the list of things that totally fucked up her life in 2010? Well, you're right. My wallet didn't fall in the water--it almost did. And I have to live with that.

1. I Watched a Baby Duck Die. It was a warm, bright summer day, and my friend Lansy and I decided to drive about an hour away to the idyllic town of Owosso. It was her dream to visit one of Owosso's main attractions--Curwood Castle. As a major castle connoisseur myself, I was delighted to accompany her. But alas, when we found the castle (we had to ask directions from speed walkers, but that's a whole other story), there was a sad little note posted on the door that said the castle didn't open until 1 pm. It was noon, so I said, "God Lansy, it's gorgeous out and there's a very beautiful arched bridge over there! Let's walk around picturesque downtown Owosso and wait for Curwood Castle to open so that we can go in." And she said, "What a great idea! I would like that very much." We took off down the sidewalk. We spent a pleasing hour exploring Owosso. We went into a fancy antique shop that sold old clocks and toy pianos and original artwork. We thought about stopping for ice cream at one of those places where you walk up to the window to order and the menu has a bunch of little pictures of ice cream treats on it, but decided against it. On our way back to Curwood Castle, we decided to walk along the beautiful banks of the Shiawassee River. Little did we know that in mere minutes it would be the scene of a faces-of-death style duck massacre. We stopped to watch a gorgeous family of ducks swimming along the river's edge. There was a mama duck and three beautiful baby ducks. They were splashing and quacking and putting their little heads under water, then popping back up. It was glorious! Both Lansy and I were amazed at their beauty and grace. They were so perfect! Especially this one baby duck, whom we affectionately named Hobart. Both Lansy and I had a feeling that Hobart was special. Then, all of a sudden, out of NOWHERE, the mama duck started violently flapping her wings and quacking, communicating severe distress! At first, I thought that Lansy and I had ventured too close to the duck family and the mama duck was protecting her babies from us. Then, both Lansy and I realized that the mama duck was attempting to protect her babies from something much more sinister. It registered with both Lansy and I at the same time--Hobart had gone under the water and NOT come back up! We could see his adorable little duck butt and duck feet sticking up, but his head was submerged! I shouted, "I think he's stuck in the weeds! He's drowning! Mother of God, he's drowning!" I wanted to go in after little Hobart, but because of the weeds in the water and the rocks along the river's edge, there was no way of knowing how treacherous it would be once I got in the water or if I would even be able to get to little Hobart if I attempted it. I screamed to Lansy, "Get a STICK!" She promptly returned with a stick, but alas, it was too short to reach Hobart. There were two guys fishing nearby and we thought about getting them to come help us, but we didn't because neither of us wanted to approach them. By the time I was finally ready to hike up my pants and go into the Shiawassee after Hobart, it was too late. Hobart had perished. And, as I cried, Lansy consoled me by saying that he was probably not stuck in the weeds, but that he was probably eaten by a water snake or a snapping turtle, and that if I had gone in after him, I might've lost a toe! That did make me feel better, but still, I can't UNSEE Hobart's death. I will carry the painful memory of that day with me forever.

In Closing, I'd just like to remind you all that each new year brings with it new promise and the hope of new beginnings and new achievements, but still...it's very unlikely you'll be able to go an entire year without being traumatized in one way or another. So try to keep your positive attitude in check, ok?

**I actually do have hope for our oceans. If you do too, get involved!! Please support Ocean Conservancy.