Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Candy-pocalypse

Today, you're in luck, because I've come up with some random musings that I think you'll find entertaining. Buckle up, 'cause mama just found her keys and we're a goin' drivin'.

Random Musings

1. It's fun adding the word 'pocalypse' to the end of other words. For example, one day, around Halloween, when I was doing my nursing preceptorship (which is like an apprenticeship where you work one on one with a nurse and she teaches you and you learn and eventually you teach her and she says, "Look who's the teacher now!" and you say, "Ahh geez, Phyllis, you're makin' me embarrassed!" and she says, "No but seriously Diane, you are a top notch nursing student!" and you say, "It's not Diane, it's Dion" and she says how ashamed she is), this ER tech came to work and said, "I went to CVS and there was literally NO CANDY THERE!" And then I said, "Oh no! It's a candy-pocalypse!" She didn't get it. She didn't giggle or even crack a smile, but I was quite pleased with myself. Another example would be when you run out of toilet paper, you could say, "It's a toilet paper-pocalypse!" Or if you were going through a dry spell sexually, you could say, "It's NOT raining men!"

2. I have decided that pictures of puppies asleep are adorable, especially when they are dressed up in wizard costumes. Puppies asleep in a wicker chair? Also fucking adorable. Equally adorable is a picture of someone rolling a puppy down a mountain. It's also cute when someone takes a picture of a puppy asleep on a computer keyboard or asleep on a desk covered in papers--because it totally looks like the puppy fell asleep while he was doing his taxes!

You know what's NOT adorable though? A creepy picture of a baby asleep in a cloth hammock that's held up by a hook that looks like it belongs to the killer from "I Know What You Did Last Summer" (as well as sequels "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" and "I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer"). Moral of the story: sleeping puppies in quirky outfits and silly settings--great, sleeping babies in baskets, boxes, with wings, wearing jail outfits, held up by hooks, etc.--bone shatteringly frightening.

3. What's UP with the baggers at the grocery store? Why do they always ask you if you want a bag for the bulkiest and most awkward-to-carry items? I walk up to the counter with 6 packs of AA batteries and a medium-size bag of cat food and all the bagger girl can say is, "Um...do you, like, want a bag for this cat food?" Well, actually, the BATTERIES could fit in my purse, but the cat food is fucking annoying as SHIT to carry, so yeah, I'd like a bag. And also: fuck you. Just assume that unless I say I don't want a bag, I WANT A BAG. It's not like they don't have a bag big enough to fit a medium bag of cat food or a couple of two liters of pop. Do you know how annoying it is to try to free-hand 2 two-liters of pop up 20 stairs in the god JAM dead of Winter? I've had it. I have absolutely had it.

Ok. That's enough random musings for now. If you're wondering about the picture of the basket of white kittens at the beginning of this post, that's just my favorite picture that came up when I typed "pocalypse" into an image search.

Monday, December 27, 2010

New Normal



I am now a graduate nurse. I can give you a TB shot. I can insert a Foley catheter into you. I am a medical professional. And it feels weird.

Maybe it feels weird because I have so much time off. I'm used to having to study constantly. I'm used to the constant threat of failure, and I'm used to having to face my fears on a daily basis. I'm used to crying because I contaminated my sterile field (I have gotten the hang of that now, but it's still intimidating). But now, I don't have to worry about that stuff anymore (at least not until I get a job). I could still fail the NCLEX, though, so there is that.

I haven't started studying for it. I have been spending my days watching TV (today I watched 'A Killer Among Friends' starring Patty Duke and Tiffany Amber Theissen) and applying for jobs and thinking about the future and the kind of person I would like to someday be. It's almost 2011, so now is a good time for re-invention I guess.

Next year, I want to lose the 100 pounds or so of unsightly fat that have taken up residence all over my body (totally my fault, by the way). I want to get a nursing job that I like at a good hospital and grow professionally. I want to travel more (I'm definitely going to check out Portland, Oregon, and I want to go back to New York City, too, and see a taping of SNL).

Nursing school was a great experience because it made me push myself in ways that I never would have otherwise. I had to do things that made me nervous. I want to keep going down that path. I also want to figure out how the heck those centipede bugs keep getting into my house.

Sorry this is not a super fun post. But I'm kind of depressed. Damn you Winter! Damn you change! This is totally JUST like the end of Cast Away, where Chuck Noland is standing in the middle of that dusty crossroads and he has to decide which way to go. Should he follow the hot angel wings lady? I mean, he can't go home because his fiancée totally married another guy and had a baby with him while Chuck was stuck on that island with Wilson. This is so typical. My life always mirrors Tom Hanks movies. First I meet that strange guy, fall in love with him, and then find out he's a mer-man, and now this!

I will probably do what Tom did in Big. I will go to a carnival, find a Zoltar machine and make a wish for my most pressing desire. I will not wish to be 'big' like Tom did, because I am already 100 pounds bigger than I'd like (and I can already ride whatever rides I want at the fair). I will probably not wish to be rich, because that's a lost cause. I will not wish to meet the man of my dreams, because I already met him (he was a mer-man and had to go back to living in the Atlantic off Cape Cod. I would've gone with him, but eh...). No, I will not wish for any of those things. Instead, I will wish to be brave--brave enough to go after what I want and seize it when I find it.