Thursday, January 31, 2008

A love letter to Kate Bauer

Hey everyone.  Uh...I mean, Kate.  Hey Kate.  Thanks, Kate, by the way, for letting me stay at your fly pad this weekend.  It's totally sweet here.  Right now I am writing this blog from your den and I can hear the gentle murmur of you chatting sweetly with Jon from behind your bedroom door and ALSO I can hear Gilmore Girls Season 4 Disc 1 playing quietly in the living room!  You are the awesomest person I know for many, many reasons, not the least of which is that you purchased the Gilmore Girls Complete Series set, which comes in it's own fashionable carrying case AND includes two super-special booklets: one complete episode guide and one book of Gilmore-isms.  You are the luckiest girl in the whole world, and the prettiest.  Thanks for my super-awesome Natalie Dee T-shirt, too.  You are the best.  I am a terrible friend because I forgot your Christmas present at home and because when I realized that you left your Luke's mug at our old apartment I made a conscious decision NOT to return it to you, but to keep it for myself.  That makes me both selfish and mean-spirited.  It's a good thing I'm not a contestant in the Miss America pageant, because I'm not pretty enough to win a cash prize and I'm not nice enough to win Miss Congeniality.  Anyway, Kate, you are my star.  You are my true north.  For that you get my eternal gratitude and love and one of these days (if you're lucky), a steak dinner.  I wish that Novelty Golf & Games/the Bunny Hutch in Lincolnwood was open.  If it was, we could go there and listen to some great oldies tunes while eating soft serve vanilla ice cream cones with sprinkles and only half-trying to putt our multi-colored balls into the mouth of a giant skull.  When I'm with you, Kate, it doesn't matter if my magenta golf ball goes in the hole.  All that matters is that when we're at a carnival together we both KNOW that the only ride worth going on is the Tomb of Doom.  All that matters is that we both agree Neil Young would be a good name for my next cat, and that if you don't name your next pet Fred Savage, you will probably name it Tuna.  You are the greatest.  There is only one Kate Bauer on planet Earth, and I cherish her.  One of my favorite things about you is that you share a last name with one of my all time favorite TV characters--Angela Bauer of 'Who's the Boss?'  Although, she may have spelled it differently.  'Who's the Boss?' was my absolute favorite show when I was little.  I would race home from school, make a stack of buttered toast, and devour it while watching whatever hijinks Tony, Angela and the rest of the crew (that means you, Mona!) got themselves into that episode.  The silliest thing, though, is that even though you and Angela Bauer are practically related, you're nothing like her!  She's uppity and anxiety-ridden while you are down-to-earth and cool as a cucumber.  She has blonde hair which she wears in a sort of puffy lion's mane around her face, while you have gorgeous chocolate-brown hair that flows goddess-like (or Victoria's Secret Angel-like) about your shoulders.  She wears pirate-ish blouses with shoulder pads and sensible loafers, while you favor band T-shirts and Chuck Taylors.  ANYWAY...I love you more than I love a good meat-in-a-bag dinner, and you know me, so you know how much that is.  I just really wanted to thank you for providing me shelter for the next few days, because as you know, it's downright chilly outside!  You're a saint for letting me come a day earlier than planned, and you're a God for buying me a Thai-food dinner.  I loved my spicy bamboo chicken so much that I think I might marry it and take it to Aruba for a honeymoon.  Not only did you buy me a Thai-food dinner--you also let me have two cans of diet soda and AS MANY FUDGESICLES AS I WANTED.  I am in awe of you, Kate Bauer.  I guess there's not much more to say.  I'll just say this: if we went on Family Feud together (which is an impossibility since we're not blood related, and we will never be related-by-law since neither one of us has a male sibling) it would not be a good decision to allow us to be the two family members who play in the final round (the 'Fast Money' round) because we pretty much share a brain, and when the host (for the purpose of this example, let's say the host is Ray Combs (yes, before he was nearly paralyzed, went through financial problems, and eventually took his own life) because he was my favorite.  Boy, those were the days, huh?) asked us both the question: "Which food would be difficult to eat without teeth?" we would both scream without hesitation: "Any kind of meat, Ray!  Any kind of meat!"--but one of us would lose precious seconds because the other one had already given that answer (and that would've happened on every other question, resulting in extreme loss of question-answering time, resulting in loss of focus, resulting in panic, resulting in failure to supply points-winning answers, resulting in the loss of money).  We both know that the only thing that really matters in life (other than a comfy sweatsuit and a good book on a icy January day) is money.  I'm just saying: you get me, Kate Bauer, so don't hide that in a bushel basket.  I love you, Kate Bauer, and tomorrow while you're at work I'm going to make it my mission to find some rafters, climb up on them, and shout the way I feel about you.  So...be listening for that.  

Friday, January 25, 2008

And the award goes to...

I am so so so so so incredibly sorry that it's taken me so long to write. I promise I'll do better. Really, I will. There's just been so much going on lately, it's hard to see straight, let alone write an entire blog. First of all: Oscar Nominations. I have a lot of problems with "The Academy." Most of the time I think the movies that are nominated are not movies that please the masses... Like, I'm sure Jaws wasn't nominated for Best Picture in 1975, but that's a kick ass movie. Still, what I'd like to do is tell you who of the nominees I'd like to win and who will win:

BEST PICTURE:

I'd like to win: "Juno"

Will win: "No Country for Old Men"

BEST ACTOR:

I'd like to win: "Daniel Day-Lewis"

Will win: "Daniel Day-Lewis" or "George Clooney"

BEST ACTRESS:

I'd like to win: "Ellen Page"

Will win: "Julie Christie"

SUPPORTING ACTOR:

I'd like: "Hal Holbrook"

Will win: "Javier Bardem" or "Tom Wilkinson"

SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

I'd like: "Amy Ryan"

Will win: "Cate Blanchett"

DIRECTOR:

I'd like: "Jason Reitman"

Will win: "Cohen Bros." or "P.T.A."

BEST DOCUMENTARY:

I'd like: "Sicko"

Will win: "No End in Sight"

BEST SCREENPLAY:

I'd like: "Juno"

Will win: "Juno"


So....we'll see if I'm right or not on Oscar night. If it happens, that is. Ok, onto the next topic: Heath Ledger's death. Man, that stinks. I don't know what else to say. Heath Ledger was a hot aussie who will no longer grace the silver screen or our lush planet Earth. And that's no fun. Maybe if our society wasn't so celebrity obsessed these people could actually lead normal lives. Then again, I guess I'm part of the problem since I love celebrity gossip, movies, TV, etc. Still, I don't stalk celebrities and sell photos of them to the Enquirer and I'm not an agent who whores them out so I can afford tennis courts and an in-ground pool. To all the wayward celebrities out there: follow Jeff Daniels' example. He lives a modest life in Saline, Michigan and only does a few movies a year.

Next topic: the funny word game. A few of my friends and I have come up with a fun game--the funny word game. It's very simple. You just think of a word, like "jacket" and then try to think of another, more formal word that means the same thing...like "parka" or "blazer." Then use that word in a sentence! The best way to play the funny word game, though, is to come up with whole sentences made up of funny words. You may not think it sounds fun, but trust me: it is. Here's an example: (can you figure out what this sentence is asking?)

"Would you like to accompany me to the local noshery for a mug of perk and a soft, moist baked good with traces of azure antioxidant-bearing fruit?"

OR:

"Honey, where's the tether? Our canine needs a stroll. He needs to relieve his bowels al fresco, or he might end up relieving them on the wall-to-wall."

See? This game is hilarious!! I knew you'd think so. Now you'll never be able to live another day without at least noticing all the funny words that you encounter in life. If you think of a good one, let me know! I also encourage you to work funny words into your everyday speech. Sure, people might laugh and point, but the joke's on them.

Next topic: my life. Hmmm, what can I tell you about my life? I'm living at home again, with my parents. I thought it would be more traumatic than it's been. But maybe that's just because I know that it's only temporary. I've been taking a kickboxing class, which is super fun. I like exercising, but for me workouts that have some sort of practical application are way more fun than say, running on a treadmill. I doubt that in my lifetime someone will put a gun to my head and force me to run at level 10 on a treadmill, but someone actually might attack me. And now, if I get attacked, I'm ready. Also, punching and kicking a bag is very very taxing and, I assume, excellent cardio. Plus if you're like me (brimming with anger and hatred), it's a great stress-reliever! We're going to install our own punching bag in the basement of Dagwood's so that my Dad and I can get more practice outside of class. Once I get more comfortable with kickboxing, I plan to start taking Karate too. I love martial arts. I think that practicing martial arts is one of the most beneficial things you can ever do for yourself: body, mind, and soul. I studied Aikido for about nine months and now I'm ready to start Karate.

What else is new with me? TV sucks these days... I'm really hoping the writers get what they want soon, but at this point, the TV year is pretty much ruined. What's with Medium showing three episodes and then going off the air for four weeks? Come on Medium, this is our time of need! I've started watching October Road recently. It's pretty good. It's part ED, part 90210, with a dash of Gilmore Girls and a pinch of hope.

I wish I had some dirty secrets to tell, but I'm just way to boring for that. I love you all, dearly.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

I'm making a sad face.

I watched "True Life: I Support My Family" today. I know, that was my first mistake. It just made me realize, though, that some people have real problems. Unique's mother killed herself and Unique had no choice but to become the legal guardian for her three siblings (otherwise they would've ended up in foster care). She made $350 a week and had to pay the mortgage and the bills, not to mention the money she spent on groceries and clothing. Oh yeah, and one of her little sisters was five months pregnant, too. I don't know. There's probably no point in even writing about this, except that watching the show made me feel incredibly spoiled. Talk about spoiled! Let's move on to another show I catch on occasion...The Real Housewives of Orange County. This week, Tamra's husband Simon bought her a $40,000 diamond-encrusted Rolex watch. Tamra's reaction? "It's even cuter than my other one!!" Hmmm. And then, one of the other housewives, Vicki, spent an entire mini-segment bitching about how she was older than Tamra, yet she didn't have a Rolex. "I want a Rolex," she repeatedly said. "Where's my Rolex?" And, in the segment before that Vicki was bitching about her husband and saying that sometimes she wishes she was single. That's just a mean thing to say when you know your husband is going to end up watching the show. God. They should put all the Housewives in a room and make them watch every sad episode of True Life and Intervention, plus any documentary about Anorexia, Cancer, Huntington's Disease, Famine, War, and shows about how when we die, nothing happens.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Fat people are harder to kidnap.

I went to my first ever Weight Watchers meeting. I know Weight Watchers is a positive organization and all, but it's hard to sit through a meeting with a straight face. It's like AA for fatties. They give out key chains instead of newcomer chips. I just keep praying my group leader doesn't make me bring home the "WOW" tool belt and give a presentation about my weight loss tricks and tips (you take the tool belt home for a week and fill it with things that help you stay 'clean,' like low-cal recipes and string cheese. String cheese is a Godsend, by the way). Props to those who volunteer to take home the tool belt. If I did, though, it would just sit crumpled in my closet staring at me like a homeless, underfed kitten or a little boy whose parents are too busy decorating the house and polishing their diamonds to play with him. I'm not knocking Weight Watchers, though. I don't think I'm "too good" for Weight Watchers, if that's what you're thinking. I wish I could be more objective about it all. I just can't. It's like when you go to the movies and some supposed-to-be-funny-but-really-actually-ridiculously-unfunny bit plays out on screen and a few people in the theater (or maybe more than a few) erupt in uproarious uncontrollable laughter. Whenever that happens, I think, how on earth can someone think that's funny enough to laugh out loud at? And that's what strikes me as funny. Then again, maybe I'm just missing out on all the fun. Maybe I'm just a bitch. Weight Watchers is good, though. I'm eating less these days. Now when I go out to eat, I just eat one fourth of my burger and everything is fine. Everything is fine. Now just a teaspoon or so of ice cream satisfies me. No joke! Like, if I was addicted to heroin, I'd be good with like...just a squirt of the stuff, not a whole syringe full. And it doesn't feel like punishment when I go to Applebee's and have to order one of the select few dishes that have Weight Watchers points attached to them (and very cheerful names, like confetti chicken--I guess the word "confetti" is supposed to have a party-in-my-mouth sort of an effect). When I was filling out my Weight Watchers paperwork, I should've have checked 'Yes' when they asked, 'Would you like a weekly supportive phone call?' I checked 'No and now my phone never rings and the only thing that soothes me is chili cheese Fritos. Why, God?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

It's alright Ma, I'm only sighing.

I apologize for not having written in a while. You know how it is, though, what with Christmas and New Year's, plus finally cleaning up that pile of hardened cat puke that's been festering in the laundry room. Busy bee! But the truth is, the real reason I haven't written in a while is that I've made some changes recently that have thrown my personal life into a state of turmoil/panic/relief/fear/comedy/cold-sweats/bloody-knees. It's quite a long story that I probably shouldn't get into publicly. Long story short, I've moved back to Lapeer for a while. It's good and it's bad. If you're a close friend and want to hear about it, I'll explain in more detail, but I'm not going to get into it on my blog. But I wanted to mention it because I don't want to confuse people, since I write a lot about the things that happen to me in daily life. So I don't live in Chicago anymore, at least not for the time being. But that doesn't mean my presence won't be felt there, and it certainly doesn't mean that Chicago is not in my heart. The lovely Kate (and her doting suitor Jon) has agreed to put me up for my planned numerous visits back, and for that I am eternally grateful. So anyway, that's my news. I had a traumatic experience today involving a cable installer, but I'm too wiped out to get into it, so I'll save it for when I'm feeling more cheerful. I just don't know what's so hard about reading and comprehending a work order. Apparently it's as hard as brain surgery.

Goodnight. I love you all, and when I say "you all," I mean the one or two people who read this. Thanks for your loyalty. Next time I see you, I'll be giving you a five dollar gift card to The Home Depot as a prize for said loyalty. Don't give me that look. Five bucks buys you A LOT at The Home Depot.