He came home.

Here's a comment I left on my sister's Myspace page. I'm not posting it because I think I'm hilarious (even though I am). I just wanted to put it somewhere I'd be able to read it again if I ever felt like it:

I'm so glad you liked my slideshow. But I'm confused. That wasn't a Halloween costume. That's just how I dress when I go out now. Boy, a lot has changed since we last spoke. Now I am white trash and I live at Rainbow Run Trailer Park and I have two parakeets--Giggles and Leukemia. Leukemia is hilarious, but Giggles can be a cranky bitch. Man, parakeets are fun. I'm writing a newsletter all about how if you get a parakeet your fun factor in life will go up by 3%. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but seeing as how I made the percentage up (I'm too lazy to do research. Plus, I can't read) I didn't want to say that having a parakeet would increase your life's fun factor by 50% or something, because then I might get a lot of angry post cards from people who'd gotten parakeets and whose lives' fun factors had not risen as much as promised. A bunch of angry postcards are the last thing I need. Then again, I haven't gotten any mail in weeks. I think I angered Rainbow Run's postal worker, Royger (that's no misprint), when he asked me to water his plants while he went on an Alaskan cruise, and instead I let the air out of the tires of his go-cart. Hey, where I come from when someone asks you to water their plants while they're on vaction that's code for "come to my house while I'm away and pretty much just do whatever the hell you want, including make a meatloaf, eat half of it right outta the pan and leave the rest to rot on my kitchen counter." It's not my fault Royger doesn't know the code. Am I right or am I right? I'm right. Anyway, I hope everything is going alright with you. Last we talked, Danny was about to have his left leg amputated. How'd that go? I meant to send something...like flowers, but then I thought, flowers die...so I wanted to send some of those cheese crackers with peanut butter in the middle because whenever I'm sad or recovering from an illness (fuck you, nasty open sores on my lower abdomen) cheese and peanut butter always makes me feel like I'm flying. Maybe that's because Tony, my best friend (other than Peg) at Rainbow Run, and I always do cocaine and then eat a bunch of peanut butter and cheese crackers. Oh whatever. Send Danny my best. They make great wooden legs these days. Maybe he could put a bunch of stickers on his or somethin. They make really cool shiny glittery stickers nowadays and they put 'em in machines at bowling alleys and stuff. Maybe you can buy them at stores too. But why would you go to a store when you can go to a bowling alley? That's sort of been my life's motto. That's why all my shirts and pants and shoes are from The Lazy Lanes. Well, Lazy Lanes or Goodwill..because going to Goodwill is a lot like bowling. A LOT.

I do love you. I love you so much that my love is like a piece of gum that fell on the ground, but that you still want to eat even though it's got cat hair on it.