Fat people are harder to kidnap.

I went to my first ever Weight Watchers meeting. I know Weight Watchers is a positive organization and all, but it's hard to sit through a meeting with a straight face. It's like AA for fatties. They give out key chains instead of newcomer chips. I just keep praying my group leader doesn't make me bring home the "WOW" tool belt and give a presentation about my weight loss tricks and tips (you take the tool belt home for a week and fill it with things that help you stay 'clean,' like low-cal recipes and string cheese. String cheese is a Godsend, by the way). Props to those who volunteer to take home the tool belt. If I did, though, it would just sit crumpled in my closet staring at me like a homeless, underfed kitten or a little boy whose parents are too busy decorating the house and polishing their diamonds to play with him. I'm not knocking Weight Watchers, though. I don't think I'm "too good" for Weight Watchers, if that's what you're thinking. I wish I could be more objective about it all. I just can't. It's like when you go to the movies and some supposed-to-be-funny-but-really-actually-ridiculously-unfunny bit plays out on screen and a few people in the theater (or maybe more than a few) erupt in uproarious uncontrollable laughter. Whenever that happens, I think, how on earth can someone think that's funny enough to laugh out loud at? And that's what strikes me as funny. Then again, maybe I'm just missing out on all the fun. Maybe I'm just a bitch. Weight Watchers is good, though. I'm eating less these days. Now when I go out to eat, I just eat one fourth of my burger and everything is fine. Everything is fine. Now just a teaspoon or so of ice cream satisfies me. No joke! Like, if I was addicted to heroin, I'd be good with like...just a squirt of the stuff, not a whole syringe full. And it doesn't feel like punishment when I go to Applebee's and have to order one of the select few dishes that have Weight Watchers points attached to them (and very cheerful names, like confetti chicken--I guess the word "confetti" is supposed to have a party-in-my-mouth sort of an effect). When I was filling out my Weight Watchers paperwork, I should've have checked 'Yes' when they asked, 'Would you like a weekly supportive phone call?' I checked 'No and now my phone never rings and the only thing that soothes me is chili cheese Fritos. Why, God?