Deep fat fry! Deep fat fry! Music to my ears!

IT'S FINALLY HERE. I have a great Thanksgiving meal idea. I think we should make a ton of food and then I'll lay down and you'll put all the food on top of my body and then I'll have to eat my way out. That's my bliss right there. That is my bliss. So, it's snowing outside. How poetic. It's as if God's holy light is shining down upon all of us right now. Isn't it cool that God's holy light manifests itself as cold, wet, clumpy, drizzly snow? God sure is mysterious. I wonder what God eats on Thanksgiving. Does God eat? Does God have intestines? Is God American? Are there Pilgrims in Heaven? I know these are the questions we all ask ourselves each year on Thanksgiving. And the sad thing is, we're never going to know the answers...until we have our first dead Thanksgiving, of course. That will be a special one.

Since I'm still alive, this year I'll have to settle for Thanksgiving with my family. We're going out to eat. We're too lazy and way way too stupid to cook. So we're going to be eating at a restaurant called The Deadwood Lodge in Northville, Michigan--the city in which my sister Gina and her loving (and lovely) husband Jason make their home. No, they don't have any kids yet. Get off their case! The cool thing about eating out for Thanksgiving is that you can order whatever you want. You can say, "Fuck you, Pilgrims, you bony bunch of suckers! I'm ordering prime rib and I won't be shoving even one sweet potato down my gullet. So there! Fuck you! Fuck you!" You don't have to say it out loud, but you can if you want. Every time I've shouted that at Old Country Buffet (which is where we usually feast on what you all call Thanksgiving but what I've begun referring to as Prime Rib Day) my words have been met with a rousing round of applause and in one circumstance, a kiss on the lips from a leathery old man still holding a dripping turkey drumstick in one hand. But hey, a kiss on the lips is a kiss on the lips.

But the real point of Thanksgiving is not the food. (Of course, I don't really mean that, but I have to say it just so that I can sleep at night--between you and me, the real point of Thanksgiving is totally the food). The real point of Thanksgiving is, of course, giving thanks. So what are you thankful for this Prime Rib Day? Oops sorry, Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for God's love, my family and friends, all my blessings, my cat, my health (and the health of my family and friends), but most of all I'm thankful for:

1. Dead Pilgrims
2. Gristle
3. Mint gum
4. Television
5. Booze
6. Snacks
and
7. Moccasins

Thanksby to God for the embarrassment of riches that has been bestowed upon me! And thanks for my family, too.