I believe in two things: discipline and the bible. Here you'll receive both.

I am now fully obsessed with the Showtime drama "Dexter."
It's the best show I've ever seen.
And that's saying a lot,
because I watch a lot of TV shows.
I've been feeling faint lately.
Dizzy as shit,
is another way of putting it.
Fuck you, inner ear.
I ate a lot of pizza last night.
I think it was a good decision to eat a lot of pizza and I don't care
if you agree.
I actually like that show "Kid Nation."
It's refreshing,
a show with no adults.
Adults can be so awful.
They opened a new animal shelter near my house.
They let the cats roam around in their own special rooms,
which is nice because when I walk by they come up to the window
and meow at me through the glass.
Then again it makes me sad because
I can't have a pet.
I was reading Prevention magazine and it said that if you gain
between 11 and 22 pounds after the age of 18
it can increase your risk of breast cancer by up to 15%.
But what if you gained, say, 80 or so pounds after the age of 18?
I don't know, I'm just asking.
I get it, Prevention magazine.
Why don't you just write this:
Prepare yourself for cancer you fat piece of shit.
That's ok.
I've got the Diet Detective's Calorie Bargain Bible.
So I'm all set.
I've learned that if you go to Outback Steakhouse you should say things like:
Can you cook it without butter? and
Would you mind boxing up half my meal right away? and
Wanna split my 1 lb. baked potato with me?
Maybe a bigger problem is that restaurants like Outback are serving us
five times as much as we actually need.
No, because Outback would never hurt me.
I know that in my heart.
Thanksgiving is almost here.
I got some mashed sweet potatoes from the hot food counter
at Treasure Island
in celebration of that fact.
They were delicious.
But I think that on Thanksgiving day I am going to order Prime Rib
instead of Turkey.
That's what the Indians would've wanted.