But I wanna be a DEN-tist!

One of my favorite things about Christmas is that it allows me to go around declaring that decidedly unremarkable events are "Christmas miracles."

For instance, yesterday I was at Wal-Mart shopping for gluten free pasta shells. I became dismayed when I noticed a withered old hoarder reaching for the last box. Luckily she was in one of those motorized carts and the box was on a high shelf, so I was able to shove her out of the way and snatch it for myself. Once I had my treasure in my hot little hands and the wretched old disabled woman put her Amigo in reverse and backed her ass down the aisle and out of my face, I dropped to my knees, raised my arms to the heavens, and shouted in front of God and everyone: "It's a Christmas miracle!!"

Because lord knows it ain't Christmas without gluten free pasta shells and store-bought sauce.


Other situations/events that totally "count" as Christmas miracles:

There's a two-for-one sale on holiday-themed marshmallow peeps at Big Lots

I say "Father Christmas" five times in a row and his disembodied head appears to me in the bathroom mirror

My dad lights up a cigarette and I have a coughing fit, but he doesn't cough at all because his lungs are coated with tar!

A blind orphan regains his sight

My cat falls four stories, but when I look down he's not moving or yowling or anything, which means he died quickly and peacefully

Every hungry person in my hometown gets Christmas dinner

Nickelodeon airs a marathon of plucky 90's cartoon "Doug"


Happy holidays everyone! Here's hoping you witness a Christmas miracle or two and get your Christmas wish. This year, I'm wishing for a whole lot of money and material gain.