Why I Want to be Just Like Mary-Kate Olsen: A High School Graduation Speech as given by Head Cheerleader Joleen McQueen

Hey you guys! First off, I’d just like to say ‘we did it!’ Yeah! And I think we all deserve a round of applause. How bout it? Principal Hansen asked me to come up and give a speech because he knows just how much you all look up to me, and I just want to say that I’m really honored. It’s just that in these difficult times, we all need someone to kind of, aspire to be, ya know? And you all probably are probably thinking, ‘Joleen McQueen is perfect—who the hell does she look up to, God?’ Oh...am I allowed to say hell? Sorry...

Anyway, the thing is, I do have a roll model, and it’s Mary-Kate Olsen. And I know that you’re probably thinking, ‘Why would Joleen McQueen look up to Mary-Kate Olsen? She like, throws up everything she eats.’ And yeah, she does have anorexia, and it is kind of unfortunate that that came out just as I was about to give this speech, but her anorexia is not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about her spirit, ya know? Yeah! And I think that deserves a round of applause.

I mean, she’s got so many qualities that all of us, young women and young men, can look up to. She’s beautiful, she’s thin, she’s got great hair, she’s got big blue eyes and clear skin. Yeah, so maybe she’s anorexic, but who isn’t these days? I mean, they say that anorexia is about control, having control over what you eat when you don’t feel like you have control over anything else. But for Mary-Kate, it really was just about being thin. And now she is thin! And she’s getting help for her disease. And I think we should all support her in that, ya know? Yeah! And as we’re heading out into the world, I just think that you guys should try to decide who you all want to be just like. Because disease or no disease, I want to be just like Mary-Kate Olsen. Because being thin and rich is what counts. And I’m the most popular girl in school now and I never, like, want to, like, take a step down from that, ya know? So, ask yourselves, who do I want to be? And I hope your answer is Mary-Kate Olsen, because that’s my answer, and if it’s your answer too, then we, like, totally have something in common.