25 of the Randomest Things About Me EVER!

1. I love slasher movies. I also love zombies. A small part of me honestly believes that someday I'll be tested. Like maybe I'll be changing a light bulb in a leaky basement, in my bare feet and a slip, and someone will step from the shadows wearing masonry boots and a gas mask and carrying a long, rusty scythe. Could happen. Or, if the end of the world IS ever going to happen (like maybe in about 4 years, that's what I'm thinking) I think it honestly might be death by zombie for most of you. Not me, of course, because I'm ready.

2. Speaking of the end of the world, when I was in 10th grade (around the time ‘Armageddon’ and ‘Deep Impact’ were released), I was pretty much convinced to the point of not being able to sleep at night that there was a huge asteroid headed Earth's way. I kind of still think there's an asteroid coming, and I'm pretty sure its got zombies on it.

3. When I can't sleep at night, instead of counting sheep (which I think is a ridiculous thing to do, since I only count when I have to…NEVER for fun), I try to remember the order in which people won Head of Household on the latest season of Big Brother. That's fine. Go ahead and judge me.

4. I've begun to take baths instead of showers lately. There's something about sitting in a puddle of my own filth that's so RELAXING! No, but for real: sometimes I'll put my head under water and I'll close my eyes and I'll start to think really calming thoughts....like about a half-fawn, half-man frolicking in a field of daisies...but then I'll think, "What if there's a man standing over me with a knife right now (or a scythe) and I wouldn't know it because I've stupidly got my head under water?" And then I think, "Man, toffee is delicious."

5. It bothers me that in my last "random thing" I had to put my thoughts in quotes. I realize that quotes mean SPOKEN words, but Facebook doesn't have italics. Actually, Facebook DOES have italics, but it's this whole complicated process where I have to put things in brackets and who the fuck has time for that? Ok: I'm picky about things like grammar and formatting. I always, always proofread my emails and look up correct spellings.

6. I think Gizmo from 'Gremlins' is the most wonderful and adorable little creature, and it genuinely bothers me when people call Gizmo a gremlin. Gizmo is a MOGWAI. He only turns into a gremlin if you get him wet, feed him after midnight, or expose him to bright lights! It's not rocket-science.

7. If I could, I would build a giant Cadbury Cream Egg around myself and eat my way out.

8. You know how sometimes when you're lying on your bed about to eat a heaping bowl of Apple Jacks and watch the latest episode of Real World/Road Rules Challenge, you'll take the first bite and realize that whoever washed this spoon didn't wash the soap all way off? I really hate that. And now, I have soap paranoia. I'll be drinking hot chocolate out of my favorite mug and I'll think, "Was that white chocolate cocoa with SOAP undertones I just tasted?" And then I'll take another sip and I'll be like, "Naw!" But then I'll think, "Did I taste soap?" And then I'll think, "No, I didn't." And then I'll think, "Did I?" It's like when people get one of their legs cut off, but they still feel like they've got two legs. Yep, that's exactly what it's like.

9. I lived in Chicago for five years, and sometimes I feel like half of me is still there. Like my torso, and one of my arms and legs and half my head. No, but seriously: my years in Chicago were fan-freaking-tastic, mostly because that's where I got to witness Kate Bauer asking our hapless waitress at Clark's (while pointing to an old, clunky ATM machine), "Hey, does that bad boy work?" I plan to be back there (in Chicago, and also at Clark's--they've got delicious cheese fries and Kansas City Steak soup!) soon.

10. I love going to movies by myself. I mean, I love going with people too. No! No! Don't touch me. Ok, I'm calm now. There's just something about being in a big (and preferably empty) theater on, like, a Wednesday afternoon (I'm also a fan of not having a job) and watching some movie that changes your life, while eating the biggest tub of popcorn they sell, doused with the most imitation butter imaginable. I've seen countless movies alone, but only once have I gotten the theater completely to myself--when I was 18, at the Kalamazoo 10, for the movie "Duets" starring Gwyneth Paltrow and Scott Speedman.

11. I've often thought that I shouldn't allow myself to listen to music while driving long distances, only because I have a tendency to relive my entire life in my head and, like, plan what people should say at my funeral.

12. I'm not afraid to cry in public. I've done it many times. That's something you find yourself doing more often when you live in a city, because it's harder to find places without people...and I'm totally the kind of person who bursts into tears without much warning. There was a period in my life when I would try to plan for tears: like, 1 o'clock: Fundamental Math Class, 2 o'clock: Lunch at Gourmand, 3:15 o' clock: Cry my eyes out while beating my fists against a feather pillow. But sticking to a schedule always SOUNDS easier than it actually is.

13. I take a kickboxing class. And even though I know I'm not supposed to, I secretly really want to beat someone to a pulp. Like a stranger, probably. Like...I don't know...maybe this older woman I saw at Kroger the other day buying an ice cream cake. I don’t know…I probably won't.

14. Just in case you really don't know me that well, you can't take a lot of what I say seriously. Or I guess you CAN if you want to, but you probably shouldn't, because I'm a jokester. Once, I had my mom call my sister Gina and ask her to get her coat out of the closet, and then I hid in the closet and waited for Gina to come for the coat so I could jump out and scare her. It took her about 45 minutes to finally show up, but the look of pure shock and horror on her face made the wait totally worth it. If you ever live with me, be warned: I may do something like this to you.

15. When I was living in university housing at Columbia College, my roommates and I had a two year-long game going in which we hid a disembodied mannequin hand around our apartment. We'd find it in the freezer, the shower, shoved between the mattress and box-spring of one of our beds, or hanging precariously from a light-bulb cord.

16. I love riding my bicycle. Once, when I was living in Chicago, I rode around downtown late at night and it was totally deserted. It felt a lot like the opening scene of '28 Days Later.' In fact, that's how I caught this weird disease where my flesh started falling off my body and I turned into a rabid cannibal. That's also how I learned that Aspirin truly is a wonder drug.

17. Once, for about a month, I was the proud owner of a duckling. There is nothing more satisfying than falling asleep with a fuzzy little duckling nuzzled against your cheek. Also: duck meat is delicious.

18. Sometimes I feel like one of those people on a TV show that have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Except instead of an angel and a devil, I have a girl who really wants to travel the whole world and sleep on beaches in Greece and touch baby chimps in Central Africa on one shoulder and a girl who wants to stay close to home and surround herself with family on the other shoulder. And...both girls are me. I know, man. It's deep. Also: one girl has long hair and the other girl has a jaunty bob.

19. I think a great idea is a "Decades" theme park, where instead of, like, getting to experience the magic that is Donald Duck's tug-boat, you would get to go and walk around a city block that is made to feel like you've stepped inside the 50s or 60s! It would be authentic and mind-blowing. And honestly, I'm pretty sure this is as close to time travel as we're ever going to get.

20. I have an arch enemy, and its name is: centipede bug. They follow me wherever I go. If someone told me I would never again fling back the shower curtain and be greeted by a 30-legged brown-bodied insect that crawled up through my tub drain in the night or that I would never again turn on a light only to have my heart jump into my throat at the sight of a centipede bug crawling up my wall or across the floor of my room, I would be a happy woman.

21. It doesn't gross me out that much to find a hair in my food. But, I debated whether or not to leave this random fact on the list because I think that other people will read it and think I'm disgusting. Look, it's not like I LIKE finding hair in my food, but if I find a single hair in my food (as long as it's not a really gross looking hair...I think you all probably know what I mean by that), I'll probably just pick it out and maybe get rid of the bite of food that was right close to the hair and then go about my business.

22. Gina-bo-beana, my wonderful sister, is just about the best girl on Earth. I like to tell her that she is a "frail little woman," because it makes her laugh and because she IS pretty tiny. I can pick her up. I think she would make a swell-looking garden gnome. But I would also be sad if she got turned to stone and stowed away in someone's garden because then I wouldn't be able to talk to her anymore. I would be able to look at her and douse her with water whenever I wanted without her being able to yell at me for it...and sure, that's fun for a month or two...but then I would really start to miss my sissa. Sissa is a fun word to say. So is sausage...if you pronounce it: "Sow-sage." It's not fun to say if you say it the regular way. But anway: I love you, Gina. Thanks for being the best sister on Earth. You inspire me and everyone around you more than you know.

23. I'm pretty sure if I looked long and hard, I could find you some parents that named their baby Frosting. And frosting is delicious, so I'm glad somebody decided to do what I'm sure many, many people have considered over the years. I've been thinking lately that when I get a puppy, I'm going to name it Huck. Or: Funyun. You know, like the totally delicious onion-flavored corn snack?

24. I've never been ice-fishing, but I think there is something poetic about it. Only if you do it at night, though--a cloudless night with lots of stars--and only if you listen to old-fashioned music on a portable radio, music like "I'll Be Seeing You" as sung by Billie Holiday. And, only if you light your fishing hut by an old-fashioned oil lantern. And only if you and your fishing buddy are the only ones out on the ice, and only if the only sounds you hear are your own voices and the crackling of the radio and the squeaking of your boots against the ice and the snapping of your fishing lines when you get a bite. Or, I don't know...you could just play Wii Ice Fishing.

25. I think I'm a little bit psychic. Or maybe I just wish I was. One time, in a poetry class at Western, this girl was reading a poem about a dead dog and I was thinking to myself, "She's gonna cry," and then she DID! I mean, it IS really sad when a dog dies. I get that. But when Funyun dies, I think I'm just going to throw a party in his honor. Also: I totally believe in that thing where if you think about something a lot, it will come to you. Because once, I thought about how much I wanted a cheese quesadilla from Gourmand, and then later I went and bought one.

To anyone who read this entire thing: Wow, thanks! You must really like me. Or maybe now that you've read this, you don't like me and are actually considering placing a concerned call to my parents. Either way, thanks a million. I've enjoyed writing this.