Fat Tuesday and other Guilty Pleasures

So today was Fat Tuesday. Also: I've decided that tomorrow will be Fat Wednesday, and Thursday will be Fat Thursday. Oh what the hay, I might as well declare March "Fat Month." Or maybe I should just chuck all my healthful, good intentions right now and designate 2009 "Fat Year." Oh wait...that was 2008...and 2007. I'm a FPOS (Fat Piece Of Shit) and I know it, but it's nice to have a day where I'm actually supposed to eat my weight in marshmallows. And lord knows, I always do what I'm told.

I decided to make today all about guilty pleasures. So I put Ashlee Simpson's "Autobiography" on repeat, gave myself a full hour to just sit and think about Dawson's Creek, watched "The Firm" starring Tom Cruise (whose erratic public behavior the past few years and Scientology-Matt-Lauer-Brook-Shields-I-live-on-a-compound craziness has forced me to relegate him to my list of guilty pleasures), and spent a good forty-five minutes researching "new ways" to solve the Rubik's Cube online.

I'm sure you all know that my biggest guilty pleasure is food--namely chocolate candy, white cake with white icing (I'm a cake racist), anything with a cream center, hamburgers with mayonnaise and ketchup, cheese pizza, Doritos, Cherry Coke, and movie theater popcorn--all of which have led me to the current state of hypertensivity that I now enjoy. According to my nutrition textbook (I'm currently taking an online nutrition class for my nursing prerequisites), I should be following a diet called DASH. Don't you just love acronyms? I do. Add acronyms to my list of guilty pleasures. I'm out of the acronym-loving closet. Stone me, I don't care. I fucking love acronyms. Anyway, DASH stands for Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension and it involves eating a lot of (guess what?) fruits, vegetables, and low-fat dairy products (This means you, plain yogurt)! I was pretty sure the diet plan was going to be more like, pizza pizza broccoli hamburger apple hoagie croissant double fish filet eclair orange...but I'm wrong all the time.

But why rely on someone else's old, dirty, used-up acronym when I can make up my own? So, I have. Forsaking "Fat Year," (head hung and heart heavy, mind you) I've come up with my very own diet-plan acronym! Drumroll please. It is: DETS. As in, I've got a DETS to society. As in: I've eaten so much junk food during my 26 years on God's green Earth that I have probably personally contributed to the starvation of little 12-year-old Babatunde in Africa, and now I need to repay my DETS to society. Because, I can't stop at just one Cadbury Creme Egg. For every four Cadbury Creme Eggs I eat, that's one less Cadbury Creme Egg for Babatunde. I'm sure you're dying to know...what does DETS stand for?

It stands for: Don't Eat That Shit

So now, whenever my cart at Big Lots is loaded with Planter's Cheez Balls, Funyuns, Rolos, and Storck Chocolate Riesen, I think to myself DETS and I throw something back. This whole "DETS" idea is bound to keep me thin (my goal is to be as thin (and as awesome) as Mary-Kate Olsen by 2010!) and my conscience clear!!

I hope that every once in a while, you let yourself enjoy a guilty pleasure, especially if it is a white chocolate Kit-Kat bar. Those are unbelievable. But, if you're ever in the mood to be healthy, just say to yourself: DETS! I haven't tried it yet, but I'm pretty sure it works like crazy.

**Please click the links in this post. They're hilarious. Let me just say...a hotline for Planter's Cheez Ball info? That is priceless, and also necessary. I think all Cheez-flavored snack foods should have their own hotline. And I'd like to be the one who mans the phones. And: they really don't make commercials like they used to. What? Astronauts eat Rolos? You had me at chocolate-covered caramel. No need to oversell. And: check out the shorts on the Storck Chocolate Riesen kid. You're laughing, but next spring I guarantee Garrett Neff is wearing those at Fashion Week. Also: I'm pretty sure what the Storck Chocolate Riesen commercial is really saying is this: if you eat Storck Chocolate Riesen, you will grow up to be a creepy pedophile who also leers at old ladies.