I Killed a Mannequin Today

Hello, dear devoted readers. I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days. It's very bad manners, I know. But what can I say? I've been busy. In EMT class, we've been preparing for our BLS certification test. BLS, for those of you totally not in the know, stands for Basic Life Support and includes things like: CPR, Automated External Defibrillator use, and assisting someone who is choking.

What happens is: we have to go into a room that is set up with 8 stations. Imagine sad-faced proctors sitting behind empty cafeteria tables piled high with CPR dummies. Station 1 might be: two-rescuer child CPR with AED (Automated External Defibrillator--the thing that shocks your heart, that is, if you don't have a can of Red Bull handy). So, you have to go over there and kneel down next to the mannequin. Then the proctor says something like, "You're at the movie theater and you see this kid collapse. Go!" So, I shake the kid (mannequin), and I say, "Hey! Hey! Are you all right?"

The proctor says: "He's not responding."

So I say, "I would send someone to activate the emergency response system and get an AED." Then I start CPR by opening the airway. Then I would say, as I put my head down close to the kid's (mannequin's) mouth, "I'm looking, listening, and feeling for breath."

Proctor: "He's not breathing."

Me: "I'm checking the carotid pulse."

Proctor: "There is no pulse."

Me: "I'm starting compressions." Then I would do 30 compressions, counting out loud, "One! Two! Three!" as I go (I would count all the numbers--not just one, two, and three). Then after 30 compressions, I would give two rescue breaths, and then begin compressions again until my partner arrived with the AED.

Sounds easy, right? Well, let me tell ya--you can know all the steps cold and then when you get in front of the proctor--and your classmates--you go completely blank, or forget to activate the emergency response system or something simple like that.

Today we had a practice session and I messed up a ton. First, I couldn't get a good seal on my BVM (Bag Valve Mask--the thing you always see the nurse or doc squeezing to deliver oxygen to patients on Grey's Anatomy or ER, while they're racing through the corridors of their busy hospital, attempting to save lives and juggle their tumultuous personal lives all at the same time). So basically, I wasn't getting any air into my mannequin's lungs. Poor, not-really-alive resuscitation Rob. Even when my proctor showed me how to do it right, I still kept messing up!

Then later, while attempting to resuscitate a mannequin-baby in a pink striped jumper, I forgot to send someone to activate the emergency response system and then I checked the brachial pulse before I delivered rescue breaths! What the fuck was I thinking? I had been working that station with two of my classmates and the proctor, a bald older guy named Hollis, said to them, well you two did great, but I'd like you (ME!) to try again. Later he apologized for asking me to try again, saying, "I hope you don't think I'm an asshole."

No, sir, I think I am an asshole.

Another proctor, a young-ish woman in a green shirt with an angular bob haircut, said to me, "Hey, relax, it's just practice," when I was doing compressions at her stations. I nodded and thought, Just because my face is beet-red and I've broken into a flop sweat doesn't mean I'm nervous. I really wasn't that nervous, to be honest, but doing compressions is physically exhausting and it'll take it out of ya--especially if you started your day by eating your weight in hot, fluffy biscuits, like I did.

I left the practice session with a massive headache and a strong desire to quit EMT class. Then again, that's almost always how I feel when I leave EMT class. All I know is, I better get energized before my test on Wednesday. And: I know just the way to do it. The new Butterfinger Buzz combines the Butterfinger taste you love with as much caffeine as the leading energy drink!

Why is it that for every problem I have, candy is always the answer?