Worrying Makes Me Cry

It's been kind of a sad day so far. My dog tried to comfort me, but I pushed him away and then he went and cowered in the corner.

I went to an informational meeting for my nursing program. I was all worried that I would be the only one there. That's an irrational fear I have about EVERY PLACE I GO. Before I started going to kickboxing class, one of the reasons I gave myself for not going was: "If I'm the only one there, that will be SO embarrassing!" I must be crazy, or just in some weird sort of denial, because there are ALWAYS tons of other people everywhere I go. I bet if I went to the Fortress of Solitude, there would be scads of other people there.

So, there were lots and lots of people at this nursing information session. So many people, in fact, that I couldn't get a seat. Until that is, one girl who came with her parents told them to get up and go wait in the hall. Then I took one of their seats. But that made me feel all sad and alone. This girl has her parents with her! I thought. Then I thought: I'm going to die alone. Then the woman sitting on the other side of me asked to borrow my pen and as I handed it over to her I thought: I could really go for a parfait right now.

It turned out the meeting was so big, they decided to move it to another room four floors down. So we all traipsed down the stairs in a line. Someone made a joke about being dizzy (from having to turn a whole FOUR times while we made our way down to the first floor). Someone said "moooo!" because that's a funny thing to say whenever you're in a crowd and you're all moving collectively toward one area. The girl who borrowed my pen made a point of coming over to me and profusely promising to find me after the meeting and return it to me. I thought: It's a pen, not my baby. But I gave her a stern look that said: If you don't return that pen to me, you will never again have a peaceful night's rest because I will make sure that from this day forward your life is a living hell. Out loud I said: "Ok, cool."

The part of the day that made me sad was the meeting itself. Well, the meeting didn't make me sad...it was what was said at the meeting. And it didn't really make me sad--it made me nervous. And when I get nervous I cry. I'm just really afraid that I won't get into my accelerated nursing program. I know I have a good chance of getting in. I mean, I've got a 4.0 GPA. But then today, the leader of the meeting said something along the lines of: "We've accepted students with a 3.0 GPA and we've denied students with a 4.0 GPA." I know she probably said that because she doesn't want people to be discouraged and thinking that if they don't get a super-high GPA they have no chance of making it into the program. But I was thinking: what the heck did that 4.0 student do at their interview that made them get denied? Commit murder?

And then I just started to question everything. The leader of the meeting said that the goal statement I submitted with my application is SUPER important. She said they check it for grammatical errors, for content, and for evidence that the candidate has a passion for nursing. I have a DEGREE in writing! What if I get denied based on a comma error? Anyway...I know I should just relax and eat a donut. Or, really, I should just relax and eat an apple because at some point I'm going to have to get a physical and I can just hear the doctor now: "Liz, we got the results of your urine test back and it turns out you're a Fat Piece Of Shit. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can prescribe. I know it's a hassle, but you're going to have to diet and exercise." But apples aren't relaxing. Maybe I shouldn't eat anything and I should just go lie in a hammock. It's hard to be stressed out when you're in a hammock. Or maybe I should take a ride on a magic carpet. God damn it! Those aren't real!

I just know that if I make it into the program, I will thrive. I know I can handle the crazy full-time-classes-and-full-time-clinicals schedule. And moreover, I know I will make a great nurse. I'm well-rounded. I'm artistic and creative, but I'm also analytical and methodical. Plus, people like me! I'm just worried that when I go in for my interview, I won't be able to convey my real personality. I'll just sit there all nervous and fidgety and stinking up the room with my sweaty armpits.

As I sat in the informational meeting I was, as I've stated, filled with anxiety, but I was also filled with excitement. The accelerated nursing program sounds intense, but I love a challenge. And deep down, past all my layers and layers of insecurity, I have a feeling I'm going to get in.

That girl never did give my pen back.